Saturday, July 06, 2013

My Ideal Wedding

Sitting on a stack of plastic chairs, smoldering, royally vexed about a wedding ceremony that has gone on for too long – I have decided to write about my ideal wedding. The ideal wedding I sometimes dream about; the ideal wedding I know I will never have.


My ideal wedding has a hundred guests, give or take one or two people. There are no self-appointed Aunts who have never set eyes on me, yet claim to have funded my primary education; there are no self-appointed Uncles who cannot be bothered to remember my name between sightings, yet have come to regale guests with stories of my impish behavior as a child.

The invitation cards have been carefully designed, hand-drawn even. My fifty all bear the name of the intended guests, lovingly written in my own hand. “Strictly by Invitation”, they proclaim in the lower right corner; “cash gifts” only, they proclaim in the lower left. After all, I will have all the pans and pots I require before my wedding, and have no intention to set up shop selling coolers and dinnerware afterwards.

However, if you insist, and feel compelled to buy me a gift – whichever model of the Samsung Smart TV is selling at the time will not be a bad idea. Do not worry that I may receive more than one. I know exactly what to do with them all.

The wedding-venue is somewhere exotic. Thanks Musa, but I’ll pass on your invitation to use the Orchid hotel grounds. A private beach, a luxury yacht, or a beautiful garden are all welcome options; no ancient pews and chugging fans at my ideal wedding. No, Musa, I did not say “Balmoral”; I said I would pass.

The food is similarly exotic, and it is plentiful. It is not the pretentious buffet with harried chefs glaring at you from beneath stained white caps. The guests waiting to serve themselves of the delicious victuals are all smiling and courteous. A few single ladies will trace marriages to this day, I tell you.

The service is delightful, but concise. There are no ancient choristers singing tired songs, imploring me to surround my table with children – never mind that two children can hardly encircle a table these days. There are no long and laborious Bible Readings; no worn sermons including the famed phrase: “when I was in America…”

My bride is elegant. Her makeup is sparing, enough to accentuate the bold features of her face but not so much that she takes on the appearance of a Chinese doll. Her dress is awesome but modest, sending male and female guests alike reeling with envy. My heart swells with pride as she walks down the makeshift aisle; a tear or two forms in the corners of my eyes.


Sadly, you see, apart from the very last point about my bride – my ideal wedding will live forever in the theatre of dreams.

“Why” is not far-fetched.

I am a Yoruba child.


  1. You forgot to add the part about the alaga iduro and ijoko. Nonsense!

  2. Koye has killed me o! Roftl. If you try this and I don't make your first hundred, you're finished.

  3. Khoya, I just have to say this. I write, I'm very familiar with wonderful writers. But really, you are amazing, and your style is simply deep and engaging. Your words are well thought out and dramatic, luring us to take a peep into your world of imaginations. You are a genius. Well done.

  4. Thanks. Thanks. Given that I wrote this in mere minutes, I am flattered!

  5. Koye o!!!!!!!! Iwo omo yi o ni pami!

  6. Post on point men! You didn't add the part about writing your own vows however. For a writer as good as yourself, the least you can do is write your own vows.

  7. Wrote in 3 minutes a dream that has been in your heart for several years. Always evolving.
    Bro, I feel your pain. I have it to. Considered getting married abroad, considered all other options and like you. It aint happening. But when you retake your vows a few years down the road. WE could get it.
    *ps I deliberately used we


  8. I'm not surprised at the realities of a dream/ideal wedding in the minds of the African young man. Weddings have been overthrown by families, loud and pretentious, not minding what you think. I had my family introductiins yesterday and I could easily see how the wedding will be - a clear deviation from my dream wedding.
    The bride-to-be was looking extremely beautiful and georgeous; but clearly some family members thought the ceremonies were a bit too elaborate. And the most demanding part is they feel they deserve some explanations.

    1. Exactly o. One of these days, I should do a piece about the role of the extended family in African weddings (and marriages sef).

  9. I'm going to follow this blog...

  10. Mmmmmhhhh! Koye,you are rear! More grease!.

  11. Well done Koye, very well written. I can tell you felt this keenly and I can so relate. I have agreed with my mom that when it is time, the traditional can be anyhow she wants it, within budget. If she want KSA or Shina Peters to entertain that day, no wahala, as long as costs are within reason. But you see that white/church wedding, na as I want am e go be. In fact to all intents and purposes all I am having is a traditional wedding. :) ...that of course depends on if I am having 2 ceremonies...but then again, I am Yoruba *sigh*