Saturday, July 06, 2013

My Ideal Wedding

Sitting on a stack of plastic chairs, smoldering, royally vexed about a wedding ceremony that has gone on for too long – I have decided to write about my ideal wedding. The ideal wedding I sometimes dream about; the ideal wedding I know I will never have.


My ideal wedding has a hundred guests, give or take one or two people. There are no self-appointed Aunts who have never set eyes on me, yet claim to have funded my primary education; there are no self-appointed Uncles who cannot be bothered to remember my name between sightings, yet have come to regale guests with stories of my impish behavior as a child.

The invitation cards have been carefully designed, hand-drawn even. My fifty all bear the name of the intended guests, lovingly written in my own hand. “Strictly by Invitation”, they proclaim in the lower right corner; “cash gifts” only, they proclaim in the lower left. After all, I will have all the pans and pots I require before my wedding, and have no intention to set up shop selling coolers and dinnerware afterwards.

However, if you insist, and feel compelled to buy me a gift – whichever model of the Samsung Smart TV is selling at the time will not be a bad idea. Do not worry that I may receive more than one. I know exactly what to do with them all.