Friday, February 08, 2013

Who said there were no more Virgins?


A young lady asked to speak with me yesterday. She had met me in 2011, when I was Secretary of OAU’s University Joint Christian Mission. She had an issue, and had sought me out for two reasons: I did not know her well enough to have a pre-conceived opinion about her, and I did not seem like the type to ‘judge’ her for what she needed to say.

Her issue was simple – and not so simple: her boyfriend was pestering her for sex. By the time we spoke yesterday, she had been with him for three years – and the request was not new. She had held out this long in the hope that he would stop asking, and was dismayed that he was upping the pressure. She was starting to feel uncomfortable, unnatural even. His tactics had changed with time; he had gone from withholding favors in the early days to requesting sex as proof of her love. Now, he had a new one: “there are no virgins (your age) anymore. Something is wrong with you.”

I was shocked – but not so shocked. I have heard so many variants of the statement “there are no virgins anymore” that I would have thousands if someone gave me a Naira for every time I have heard it said. I was also somewhat surprised to learn that she had expected him to suddenly come to an epiphany and stop requesting coitus.

*****

First things first, we don’t stop asking! Except something happens to re-orient a guy’s value system – like a NDE, or becoming born again – he’s never going to stop asking once he gets started! Hold out as long as you want, and you’ll be lucky if he doesn’t blackmail you into giving in – or get it from someone else.

Among other things, one really important thing to pre-align with a guy (or girl) before entering a ‘relationship’ is where the boundaries are. In words clichéd by members of my undergrad fellowship: “how far is too far?

An alignment of value systems is critical. It is not uncommon for guys to promise that they won’t ask for sex and then turn it into a big deal later on. In this case, you aligned ‘speech’, not values.

*****

Sometimes in 2010, a beautiful young lady offered to “help me get it on”. Said young lady, all of 18 years old at the time, was aghast at the possibility that I might remain a virgin for much longer if I left OAU as one. She was absolutely convinced something was ‘wrong’ with me, after all - “there were no virgins anymore”. When I repeatedly insisted I did not need her help, she concluded I had a problem “getting it on”.

Wait. Who said there were no virgins anymore?

Of course, there are no visible markers – like a big ‘V’ on people’s foreheads that fades away after they have coitus for the first time – but yes, there are virgins out there! They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Some decided early – before any coitus at all, others decided later on – after a number of sexual experiences (secondary virgins). Key to note is: they exist! Young men and women – who have decided to guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband (Hebrews 13:4 - MSG).

*****

Some female friends of mine maintain that I remain a virgin only because of a lack of ‘opportunity’. At various times, some have taken it upon themselves to provide me with ‘opportunity’. I laugh. In a world that is constantly shifting, my worldview in this regard derives from the anchor that holds – which I quote above.

This is for the girls and guys out there who are considering ‘giving in’ because they are being made to feel alone. No. You are not alone.

My name is Koye, and I chose to save sex for marriage!

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Update: Some readers have misconstrued this piece as a denigration of sexually active people. That is not the case, and could not be farther from the truth. I have NO issues with people that are sexually active before marriage - and many of my friends are. I made a choice to abstain, which I have shared, but I am not trying to impose my choice on others.

I rate Secondary virginity as high as Primary virginity. While I am not insistent on marrying a virgin, I definitely don't plan on marrying someone who is getting off with everyone else just for the fun of it.

If you still have questions - let me know in the comments.

47 comments:

  1. I love this, Koye. The truth of His kingdom reigns through us. Yemi

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  2. It is indeed sad to know the pressure for sex these days. I mean its everywhere projected on every avialable media, bloggers write stories abt sex very descriptive ones. What about the young girl who wants to keep her self there is a lot of pressure to give it away and it takes a cognitive decision and determination to wait till marriage. I commend your courage to post this its becoming a topic people avoid.
    Shout out to my fellow V's we are not alone Gods grace is with us. Amen.

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    1. Thanks... Yes, sex is everywhere these days... Sex sells... Yeah, shout out!

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  3. And there are over 7 million others... In a world where upholding true values is gradually fading.. Nice to see it expressed this way... Keep it up bro..

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  4. My Gf too is a virgin and i'm proud of her. There Α̲̅я̩̥̊ε̲̣̣̣̥ virgins. Help preserve them or else we'll end up marrying harlots as wives and that'll tell on kids we'll bear!

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    1. Holla bro! Yes, there are virgins!!! :)

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  5. Thank God! Finally! someone with a living conscience. I don't know why people think I'm possesed because of this same issue. I keep telling people that it is written in black and white that premarital sex is a sin there is no grey side in this issue. I know I'm not perfect and do not know all but the little I know I try to hold on to it. I pray God grants us the grace to love him as we ought to (wholely and not selectively).

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    1. Yes o... A couple of people have responded to me privately saying this is a thing of the mind. I could not disagree more. Where the Bible is clear on something, we don't form opinions... God's word (and HIS direction) is true North in our ever-changing world... Lol at living conscience, but I get you... A great number of peeps have 'dead or dying' consciences...and the world is set up to make that 'numbing' gradual and easy... Thanks!!

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  6. Koye,Great job man!

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  7. Thanks for this piece, dtz all I cn say.
    And I luv d part,'I did nt seem lyk d type dt wil judge her 4 wt she needed 2 say'; learnt frm dt too. My name is 'Tongues' and I am a V.

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    1. Tongues baba!!! Thanks for reading too, and hopefully sharing!
      Knowing you, one would think that your favorite part would be: "In a world that is constantly shifting, my worldview in this regard derives from the anchor that holds – which I quote above."
      Lolz.

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  8. Wondaful write up. Was a V b4 marriage n proud of being one. A lot of these guys wish to marry d Virgins eventually. And keepin d bed undefiled is d best we can do for ourselves.
    Weldone man. Saw it on a friend DM n loved it.

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    1. I agree with you that it is best done for 'ourselves'... Thank you!

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  9. Great job sir,thanks for giving us a voice.

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  10. This is a lovely piece coming from a young man of noble character whose values are not lost in d tide of times let's roll out the drums and tell d world dat it pats to save sex till marriage. My name is zarach and I am proud to be a virgin

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    1. "a young man of noble character whose values are not lost in d tide of times" - lol at this... Are you describing me? :D Yes Zarach! Thanks!

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  11. My name is Dewunmi and I'm saving sex for marriage. Awesome piece Koye!

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    1. Principo! Thanks! Yes! :) We're saving sex for marriage!!!

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  12. Simply Lovely...I'm saving sex for marriage.

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  13. Beauiful piece here....I am a chic, wil b 23 in July and av never had a bf. Am nt perfect tho...still a virgin and I pray to remain one till I get married by God's Grace. Pips tnk am weird. Well...d main tin is dt wen deciding to b a V, never do it for ur intended spouse. Do it cuz u want to honor God and uphold ur values...not necessarily bcuz u want ur spouse to respect u or not. DO it for God and then for urself. Notin so swit as bn a V til ur wedding night.

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    1. Good, good, good. Exactly!. It should be for God and for yourself not for your future spouse.

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  14. Gr8 1 broh, 1 paramount thing 2 note der is the issue of opportunity or no opportunity. When der was no opportunity, he was, notin removed 4rm him, n when der was opportunity n didn't give in, he stl was n stl, notin was removed 4rm him. Saying NO to premarital sex does no harm. Pls stand. I resistively say NO to premarital sex. Proudly Virgin. Koye #thumbs up

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  15. I am Obalolu and I approve this message. The saying goes thus "Ajeegbodo oun we ni kunra..." Succinctly put Koye. The sound of ignorance could be deafening sometimes...don't yield to it peeps... if you have in the past, keep your head up and try again!

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    1. "If you have in the past, keep your head up and try again!" Priceless!

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  16. I totally agree, I got married last year at the age of 28 a virgin and my husband at the age of 30 a virgin to the glory of God.
    Don't be deceived, there are virgins out there both male and female. God can help you keep your virginity.

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    1. Yes there are virgins out there! Gracias!

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  17. Beautiful Piece Koye! I m proud to still be a virgin at 27 years. Thank God for his grace to keep holding forth. I broke up with my first boyfriend when the pressure to have sex with me was becoming unbearable. It was a pretty hard one cos I still love him but I was determine to keep myself till wedding night . So good to know there are still some pple out there who are standing on God"s words that says" Marriage is honourable when the bed is undefiled"

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    1. "I broke up with my first boyfriend when the pressure to have sex with me was becoming unbearable." Courageous!
      Yes, marriage is honorable - the bed undefiled! May God keep you :)

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  18. As always,am not so surprised ...another Lovely piece coming from Koye.

    Thanks for putting this out here for all to see.
    The values and morals of this world is gradually flying out the window,which is rather unfortunate.
    To others like me maintaing theirs despite what comes our way,may God continually give us strength.It aint easy but in the end,I know its going to worth it..
    Hi,I'm Layo and am so proud to be a Virgin!

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  19. I am a Vvvvvvvvvv11 February 2013 at 11:00

    I love this,its gd to knw there are pple out dere who knws d worth of being a V.If. Ur bf wanna av sex wit u say no n if he persist dump his ass cos sex doesn't kip a relatnship. Its normal dat smtyms we have d urge buh ability 2 ovacum is d victory we have.a yoruba adage will say 'wt u cnt eat its better u dnt percieve the aroma'.kisses to the Vs all ova Naija

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  20. Nice piece. I agree 100% there are still loads of them out there. I got married as one. It's sad how most people believe that others aren't just because they aren't.

    I also wrote a similar piece sometime back. Read it here http://views247.blogspot.co.uk/2012/11/a-fake-hymen-to-fool-your-man-into.html

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  21. Yes der r virgins n m proud to be one.As a guy writin dis,it takes d grace of God. Kore keep it up.der r pressures n it aint easy buh if one takes his stand,he will overcome. Nice one bro God bless you.

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  22. am not a virgin but am not ashamed abt not being one either,abt it being a sin!offcos but then who hasn't sinned before,do I regret it?yes only becos my first time was with an insensitive douche bag.anyway kudos to all the Virgins am sure it hasn't been easy but do remember no sin is unforgivable even harlots get second chances

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    1. Hi Temi,

      Thank you very much for this comment. In retrospect, I think that is one thing I failed to call out specifically. Even Rahab the famed harlot is an ancestor of Jesus... :)

      Is virginity before marriage a pre-condition for entry into heaven? No!!! Is virginity before marriage a guarantee that your spouse will not cheat on you? No!!!

      In my books, while physical virginity is a pretty great thing to have - I also hold a great deal of respect for people who having 'tasted' the beauty of sex, make the choice to have no further sex until marriage.

      Thanks again...and by the way - sorry (in arrears) about the insensitive douche bag...lol.

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  23. well I am a 32 year old virgin but does that make me better than my non-virign counterparts? no. I liked your post until the last part where you made it seem like by keeping yourself, you deserve a virgin girl in return. God's will could be a secondary virgin. How would you reconcile with those thoughts in your head re how many men have come before you?

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    1. Frankly, you have a point. I did not mean to convey that, but now that I re-read it, I see that I unwittingly did imply that.

      In the long run, there are a lot more things that are more important to the success of a marriage than whether both parties were virgins on their wedding night.

      What I was trying to say is that the same standards that apply to the woman I will marry (women), and men (who do not have a hymen)... so, I should not expect the woman to keep herself while I go off sowing wild oats in various fields...

      Thank you.

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  24. Nice talk boye.Though I didn't marry as a virgin but kudos to you all including my best friend who is 38 and still remains a virgin.My prayer is that God bless you all abundantly

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  25. In my opinion, virginity is relative. Our world is so perverse. Yes a lot of pple are 'virgins' but they have so many secret addictions. Most cases this ones, they struggle more while keeping up appearances to the world. God help us. Having a right standing with the Creator, thats what matters most.

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  26. Sincerely, this is very true. Many thanks for pointing it out. I chose to leave the other numerous perversities as out-of-scope for this specific piece so I could focus on "sexual virginity".

    Net - being a virgin doesn't make anyone better than anyone else... There are definitely things that matter more - e.g. knowing the Creator and having a right standing with him as you rightly point out.

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