Monday, March 26, 2012

On Falling Out of Love...


Last night, I got into a conversation with my friends as to what was responsible for Kevin's behaviour towards Ogo. (I presume readers are familiar with Ogo's story and my previously stated thoughts on it).

Evidently, as in other relationships that end up on the rocks - these two were in love at some point. There was a time of their lives when they were completely sold on each other, when they lived for each other, when their hearts would flutter as they shared private moments together.

So, what happened?

What happens to transform a loving boyfriend into an abusive husband? What happens to transform a caring lover into a distant, unfeeling stranger? What?

In the case of Kevin and Ogo, it is particularly evident that Kevin chose his family over his wife at some point. How does that work? Where does one draw the line between parents/extended family and their wife/nuclear family? It is evident that men need to be strong enough to protect their wives from their families, but if care is not taken - they run the risk of alienating family. Where then is the right place for a man to stand?

Whoever wrote that post on behalf of Ogochukwu Onuchukwu intended that the living learn from her story, that others might avoid her end by taking heed to her experiences - men and women alike. I intend to do just that.

Sound off in the comment section below.

KOYE-LADELE Mogbekeloluwa, +2348062543654, koyegbeke at gmail (dot) com

17 comments:

  1. My place is with my mother. One tooth-picked legged girl cannot come and start telling me how much to give my mother and when I should give it to her. Nonsense. My wife is second to my mother, even to my siblings!

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    1. Kaz, you are a foolish man. You don't deserve to get married. Any girl that marries you is dead.

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    2. Ode oshi! You better marry your mother. Stupid boy. "tooth-picked" legged. I pity whoever marries you. May she not commit suicide.

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  2. There is a quote by Aristotle that says something about life. In any case you are confronted with in life, neither extreme is good. Care must be taken to find the proper balance. I can't remember his exact words however. My point is I cannot choose between my mother and my wife. As a man, it is my responsibility to find the balance. My wife says her own and my other says her own and I find the balance and do the balance. Simple.

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    1. Wise man. Dis way, ur mom myt think ur wyf is d one making d decisions. Wht about takng a stand & making sure both of them r aware d decision was urs?

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  3. It is simple actually. I cannot chose my father's family over my own family. So what if she doesn't have children? We shall seek the face of the Lord together and wait patiently. My sister dare not disrespect my wife. For what?

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    1. If u need a kidney, who do u think wd find it easier to spare u one? ur sister or ur wife? ode.

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    2. This Kaz is evidently a very stupid fellow. Are you aware of something called marriage vows? Your wife belongs to you. Your sister belongs to another man.

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  4. Previous commenters seem to be losing track of issues. Most of the time when a man starts to treat his wife like dirt, there is another woman outside. Sometimes, it is because of the inadequacies of the woman-more of the time, it is because the man is plainly greedy. Once a man starts to compare his wife to another woman outside, the beginning of the end is near.

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  5. it is ignorance, poor reasonability & loss of sense of purpose dt ll make a man say his mother n siblings r above his wife. Ur mother sure has her place for care and tender, but u must kno dt ur wife is not another human being from nowhere. Ur wife is u, a part of u so it takes foolishness for u to treat her with disdain with reference to ur family issues. Make every member of ur family (ur parents, especially mother) know who ur wife is, and how highly u place her, then no one ll mess with her. It is d way u define n present ur wife that others ll handle her.

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  6. Many times, both parties get tired of reinventing themselves. It gets boring. Women that used to dress nicely and make-up when they first got married start tying wrappers up and down the house. Men that used to shave and smell nice start dropping their shoes in the parlor and farting all over the place. People get tired of going the extra mile for each other. It all starts when you stop being special to each other. It starts the first time you expect her to 'understand'. Then it becomes an habit. And then gradually, you start to slip further apart. Then one day, the man meets a woman that still dresses to impress - and gives him attention. And gradually, he falls in love all over again. He talks to the new girl more than he does to his wife. And one day they wake up, and they are strangers. My friend Koye, that is how it happens. Nice blog.

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  7. If I have to choose between my wife and my mother, I will choose my mother. In fact, my first child ranks higher than my wife. She can decide to leave anytime she wants. My mother and my children will always be mine.

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  8. Hmm..the buck of work is on the man.. A man must learn to balance thing between his nuclear family and wife.. And the issue is complicate..but a man should always let his family knows how mush his wife means to him.. There is a path for the woman to play..the bible says a wise woman builds his house..you got to be wise about your relationship with your inlaw Cos guy are always attached to their mom..so has a lady we got to be wise about the whole thing

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  9. When a man gets married to a woman, he leaves his family to cleave to his wife. This means that his wife comes first (after God of course) before his family. This is not to say that he would alienate his family, he should be able to prioitize. Then I definitely agree with abel on the issue of a man treating his woman as dirt because there is another women. However, he way forward to this is that whatever that the man is looking for in another woman, if he'll be open enough to tell his wife abt it, maybe there might be a solution. KLB

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    1. Well... The average woman might have an issue with her husband telling her that he likes something about another girl. At least, many Nigerian women are like that.

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  10. First of all, I liked what you said about kevin putting his family above Ogo. There are men like this. And yes, it's wrong, but they don't see it that way. I've heard comments like 'If you forsake your family because of a woman, then who consoles you when she breaks your heart'. I feel that's why most men are afraid of commitment; afraid to leave and cleave. They are happy to leave and cleave externally (with all the wedding celebrations etc etc); getting to that stage where they esteem their wives as the best thing in their lives is like 'work in progress'.

    I feel any man who has not cultured his thoughts to 'protecting his spouse' from the outside world (this includes his family and yes, his family becomes the outter world once he says 'I do') is not ready for marriage. I've seen my Dad defend my Mum a lot to the extent that my uncles don't dare tell him anything my mum did wrong anymore. Maybe that's extreme. But he has been her 'shield' (yep, God is her shield from it all) when it comes to his previous family.

    Yes, it must have been a case of growing apart for Ogo and Kevin. You know those arguements that you feel you are right and she also feels she's right. Okay, every one needs to do a mental assessment; 'every time we have those arguements; is it the same person that keeps taking the blame?' or better still, maybe just one party keeps apologising first before the other person deems it necessary to apologise; it makes the apologetic person subdued. Maybe not in all instances, but in those instances where the person gives in grudgingly...

    For women; I think having a good esteem; seeing yourself the way Christ sees you is an important step in not settling for less than you deserve. I feel most women who are in Ogo's shoes have a self esteem issue. Maybe it took them a while to have someone propose marriage to them. Maybe as other guys were receiving visions for other ladies in school, they never really had anyone 'on their case'. Maybe they've grown up in a family where they were always put down as 'rude', trouble makers etc etc. That way, if they get something that they don't deserve, they see it as their fault and they choose to stay to make it better (hope you are getting my drift and I ain't blabbing).

    The best way to build a lasting relationship in marriage is if the two people involved are constantly striving to find their feet in Christ. You know how Christ changes us daily; He makes the difference believe me.

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